Someday

I don’t know when,

I don’t know how,

But I trust in someday,

Someday.

Medically Bleak

Thus how it seems after my appointment with FS on 21/02/2013. He sure did take me out of my misery in an unexpected way! So it turned out that all the cramping was because I was about to ovulate. Yah! you heard right, OVULATING on CD 34+! After probing with a few questions he thought it could either be a cyst or …. that I am in the stage of Peri-menopause. WHAT? That was my reaction and I started praying it won’t and can’t be that.  He scanned, only to be surprised with two follicles; one measuring 17mm and another at 14mm. Seeing these two and a good lining he then suggested that we aspirate and being all natural, you never know.  He went on to explain what could have happened, but by then I was too much in shock to absorb what he was saying and trying to figure out the next step.

Aspirating meant we are getting on the IVF road which comes with expenses. I was to trigger on the day/Friday, and aspirate on Friday/Saturday. Do we have the money, what if like we did the last time the follicles are empty, is this the time, Why, why, why???. I was in a state of confusion. Luckily when I came out of the scanning room, DH had arrived. FS brought him to speed with the developments, and the options we have; to aspirate and ICSI if we find eggs, or leave it and start seriously considering donor eggs. As usual, his last statement was; it’s up to you, you decide. We now had a few minutes to decide what we were going to do. In the confusion we proceeded to the nurse’s station. I explained the situation to my ‘favourate’ nurses and for the first time, I just couldn’t help it, I broke down and cried in front of them. I can’t exactly explain how devastated and confused I was feeling, and at the same time trying to keep things together and look on the positive (two follicles, yet sometimes I don’t even produce any after stimulation), wanting to make the right decision and wanting to believe there is a good reason why all this is happening the way it is. The little voice in me telling me to keep the faith.

One of the nurses then proposed a third option, an IUI. I asked how much it is and the amount was so little that I was baffled compared to IVF. She said we should take our time and think it through, but must still come back to them on the day to get the trigger if we decide to aspirate or do an IUI. Needless to say it was already around 13h00 and they close at 15h30; not much time if you think of it to make such a decision. Off we went to the car, sat and tried to come to senses with what was happening and what to do. DH was of the opinion we just leave it, let nature take its course, I wasn’t convinced of the IVF route (not because of money, that was not a problem because we could pay as we go along), but I thought an IUI followed by BD should improve the chances regardless of DH’s sperm challenges. We disagreed on what to do, so off I went back to work but DH said he would support me whatever decision I reach. I called FS’s offices to organize for DH to pick up the trigger. The nurse called me back advising me that if we have decided on an IUI FS said we must just do it on Friday 22/02/2013, no need for a trigger to keep everything natural as he is convinced I should ovulate either on Friday or Saturday.

I organized a day off work on Friday for the IUI scheduled at 10h00. DH was to deliver his ‘sample’ early in the morning but he ended up only doing so once I got there. Preparing (cleaning) his sample took longer and the lady told me they had to ‘spin’ it twice because its ‘bad’. I didn’t even ask much, just focused on staying positive as it only takes one to make a baby. By 11h30 we were done and off I went home. We BDd over the weekend to maximise the chances… The days following were characterized by numbness (in the 2WW), I somehow managed to continue life as usual. I stayed positive but knew anything is possible. Sometimes I just don’t understand how I manage, hence believe the holy spirit is truly my comforter.

FS had indicated that if ‘nothing happens’, I should expect AF by the 10^th of March. I did not even work out when I am supposed to test; don’t know what I did with the test form. I did not have any intention of testing even if AF did not show until maybe two weeks later. Well… ‘nothing happened’, so AF knocked at the door on the 6^th of March late evening (CD47). Again, I somehow felt indifferent about it and life continues. On Friday 08 March I then got a message from the nurse asking if I tested and how it went. I later returned her call telling her AF showed her ugly face, and shame! she sounded disappointed. She is such a kind and caring person; that moved me!

Regardless of all that has transpired, my stance stays: Nothing is impossible with God. Nothing!!!

Another BFN

Thus what I got this morning in bold letters on Clearblue Digital (NOT PREGNANT) which is supposedly very sensitive. Did I give up, NO, NO, NO, not someone who is desperate for a child. I found all reasons to convince myself to go for a blood test. I dragged myself to the nearest lab, and when asked whether a qualitative or quantitative one I said ‘just to confirm’ so they did the qualitative. I only realised when getting the results (which still said NEGATIVE by the way) that they did the qualitative.  My heart was racing while the lady was printing the results, and before she could give it to me in hand I had already seen the BFN… Aaaah… can’t even cry, just picked a fight with poor DH -misdirected anger. Shame, poor man!

I am still cramping and have sharp pains on my right ovary its getting quite uncomfortable and I cant stand the pain anymore, so I called my FS’s office and begged for an urgent appointment, luckily they were able to squeeze me in tomorrow at 10h00. Yeepeee, hopefully he will take me out of my misery, I want to know what’s happening.

And I Wait…

AF is still missing in action. I’ve been cramping since yesterday late afternoon, it feels like she’s knocking at the door its getting quite uncomfortable. Apart from the cramping, there are no symptoms of pregnancy whatsoever. I am going to buy a super sensitive pregnancy test and poas again tomorrow morning if she doesnt show till then. This should tell you that I am still hoping this is it… because I believe God is able, for he is faithful and just.

Missing in Action

AF has not shown her ugly face, its CD31 and no show Aaagh…. She normally shows her face on CD26 or CD28. I have waited anxiously since Friday and past Friday started day dreaming of the possibilities. Could this be it… that we are PREGNANT? I told DH that she is missing in action and I could see the hope in his eyes. My imagination has been running wild; I planned the nursery, selected a few names, planned how I will inform my friends and family and how I was going to confirm it for DH, oh, the whole nine yards! UNTIL this morning when I decided to POAS and a Big Fat Negative(BFN) starred at me. Oogh… how cruel. I didn’t even have the energy to inform DH, I just threw it away. Now I am back to worrying why AF is missing.

Needless to say last week I booked our next appointment with FS on 25 April 2013. This came about after I tried to convince DH that we should start in the next cycle (referring to this one that I am still awaiting AF for) but he mantained that we should try in June/July because of our other financial committments. Although I agree with what he said, that feels too far, though realistically we couldn’t have even gotten an appointment with FS so soon.  Waiting…waiting…waiting… I am sick and tired of this waiting game… and now I wait for AF…

Why?

Thus the question I am asking myself right now and don’t have an answer to yet. This is what happened today: I have been battling a UTI for the past months, so today I went to see my GP to get some answers and a referral. As usual, they had to do some urine tests and a pregnancy test. The nurse who did the test then calls me into a secluded corner holding the pregnancy test. First, I never get a nurse telling me the results of any of those tests. So when she called me and I saw that stick in her hand I froze, my heart started pounding, and I got all sweaty. All sorts of thoughts raced through my mind. Is this it? Am I finally pregnant? Oh my! What am I going to do. I was so scared and excited (you know what I mean). I composed myself and approached her, only to be told and shown that the pregnancy test is negative. Really! Did she have to do that? And why did I feel the way I felt? This is coming from someone who just had their period a week ago, ha, ha, thus what they call living in expectation for a miracle…

There is NO Failure Until you STOP Trying

 

This is the heap of some IVF meds and needles that I have been through these past years. As I looked at it, I thought “I’ve been through so much and am still empty handed, WHY should I STOP”. I resolved that we will make all efforts to hold that bundle of joy in our arms, trusting in GOD for that miracle because whichever way we end up with a baby, it surely will be a MIRACLE.

Thoughts of the next (IVF No 7) have started creeping into my mind. I casually asked DH what his thoughts were and he seems to also be considering it. Ideally, we thought it should be sometime in June/July when I am on my study break. Sad how today when I thought of it, I suddenly felt scared that what’s the point because my body will simply fail me, either by not producing the eggs/quality eggs or my womb will simply kill the embryos.  Although I understand why I would think that way it saddens me and I now know that this is an area I need to renew my mind and start trusting my body because I am wonderfully and fearfully made by God as he states in Psalms 139 (NIV); ^14 “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well”.

I can’t give up, I wont give in, I will fight on for I believe Victory is Ours!

2013 Prayer for Me and You

Psalm 113:9 (NIV): 

¹ May the Lord answer you (me) when you (I) are (am) in distress;
    may the name of the God of Jacob protect you (me).
² May he send you (me) help from the sanctuary
    and grant you (me) support from Zion.
³ May he remember all your (my) sacrifices
    and accept your (my) burnt offerings.^[b]
4 May he give you (me) the desire of your(my) heart
    and make all your(my) plans succeed.
⁵ May we (I) shout for joy over your (my) victory
    and lift up our(my) banners in the name of our God.

May the Lord grant all your (my) requests.

⁶ Now this I know:
    The Lord gives victory to his anointed.
He answers him (me) from his heavenly sanctuary
    with the victorious power of his right hand.
⁷ Some trust in chariots and some in horses,
    but we (I) trust in the name of the Lord our (my) God.
⁸ They are brought to their knees and fall,
    but we (I) rise up and stand firm.
⁹ Lord, give victory to the king (me)!
    Answer us (me) when we(I) call!

I wish all a Blessed 2013.

INTENSE Desire ( a post drafted on 04 Dec 2012)

My desire to have a child is starting to cripple me. I spend hours on end on the fertility forums reading up on other people’s stories. I read endless blogs, and this just makes me desire to be a mother even more. I read so much and listen to God’s word. I am sick and tired of being in this position. I know its not God’s intention for me to be barren, for he has already provided for my needs. He promises that ‘none shall miscarry nor be barren; that he settles barren women as joyful mothers of children; that no women or men will be childless; that children are his heritage and the fruit of  the womb is his reward. All these are his promises and I know that he is not a man that he should change his mind, he doesn’t speak and not act, not promise and not fulfill.

“Father, I am trusting only in you. Nothing is impossible with you, thank you for your mercy and grace and giving me a child. I have trusted in you for a while, I just don’t understand why it is not happening yet. Right now I don’t know what to do, but I trust that you are fighting the battle for me to be victorious. I pray that you give me the strength every day, and that I continue to trust in you until I hold that baby in my arms”.

IF Challenges

On Friday 21/09/2012 a colleague walked into my office and as we were chatting he started telling me about his struggles with infertility. See, he is above 41, and so is his wife, and he told me of the pain they have been through in an effort to have a baby, and 4 IVFs later they rest trusting in God for a miracle. We discussed other options to starting a family and the cultural challenges associated with them. As he sat there detailing what they have been through, I could see and ‘touch’ the pain he is going through. It broke my heart, and at the back of my mind I could see my husband. What we are going through hurts, but my husband always tries to be strong for me. Through my colleague I could just see the pain and disappointment he goes through all the time. You see, the danger with IF is that it is not so easy to discuss or tell people, it is one of those ‘silent killers’. Although he shared, I just did not feel comfortable to share with him though I hinted that we have been trying for a while and he gave me contact details for another FS to consult. I kept on uhm..ing, but I’m sure he could read between the lines that I know too much about the struggle of IF.  Another female colleague has also subtly confided in me and I still could not bring myself to open up to her. With her I just could not trust that she would keep it between us. It is not so easy to open up to people. Often people just ‘pity’ you, and pity is not what I need. I have added my 2 colleagues to my prayers, and believe they will get their breakthrough.

On a similar note, DH works with this lady who has struggled with IF, and in July she got pregnant. She is 37 and had been trying for several years. Although he also never confided in her, she did confide in him. In July we went on a weekend away and I remember us discussing the challenge we were facing, and him mentioning that his colleague is in the same boat. When we came back on Monday, he called me telling me that ‘the colleague’ is 5 weeks pregnant. She just could not wait to tell him. I received the news with both happiness and jealousy, and I could hear that he was feeling the same. Happy that she has ‘crossed over’ and there is hope that we will too since this was a surprise BFP, but the green monster was lingering because it’s not us. I always pray not to be jealousy, but sometimes it sneaks upon you when you least expect. She is now showing, and I can tell that it breaks my DH’s heart into pieces as he has to listen to her sharing every twinge she experiences. Yes I fully understand that she doesn’t know what he/we are going through therefore might not be aware of the pain this is causing because if she knew she would remember how it’s been for her and take it a notch down. I also always try to understand that it’s not anyone’s fault that we are where we are (except the Devil), therefore I should not take away other people’s joy about their pregnancies or children. I pray for DH every day to not experience feelings of envy and ^15 “Rejoice with those who rejoice”, Romans 12 v 15.