2013 Prayer for Me and You

Psalm 113:9 (NIV): 

May the Lord answer you (me) when you (I) are (am) in distress;
    may the name of the God of Jacob protect you (me).
May he send you (me) help from the sanctuary
    and grant you (me) support from Zion.
May he remember all your (my) sacrifices
    and accept your (my) burnt offerings.[b]
May he give you (me) the desire of your(my) heart
    and make all your(my) plans succeed.
May we (I) shout for joy over your (my) victory
    and lift up our(my) banners in the name of our God.

May the Lord grant all your (my) requests.

Now this I know:
    The Lord gives victory to his anointed.
He answers him (me) from his heavenly sanctuary
    with the victorious power of his right hand.
Some trust in chariots and some in horses,
    but we (I) trust in the name of the Lord our (my) God.
They are brought to their knees and fall,
    but we (I) rise up and stand firm.
Lord, give victory to the king (me)!
    Answer us (me) when we(I) call!

I wish all a Blessed 2013.

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INTENSE Desire ( a post drafted on 04 Dec 2012)

My desire to have a child is starting to cripple me. I spend hours on end on the fertility forums reading up on other people’s stories. I read endless blogs, and this just makes me desire to be a mother even more. I read so much and listen to God’s word. I am sick and tired of being in this position. I know its not God’s intention for me to be barren, for he has already provided for my needs. He promises that ‘none shall miscarry nor be barren; that he settles barren women as joyful mothers of children; that no women or men will be childless; that children are his heritage and the fruit of  the womb is his reward. All these are his promises and I know that he is not a man that he should change his mind, he doesn’t speak and not act, not promise and not fulfill.

“Father, I am trusting only in you. Nothing is impossible with you, thank you for your mercy and grace and giving me a child. I have trusted in you for a while, I just don’t understand why it is not happening yet. Right now I don’t know what to do, but I trust that you are fighting the battle for me to be victorious. I pray that you give me the strength every day, and that I continue to trust in you until I hold that baby in my arms”.

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IF Challenges

On Friday 21/09/2012 a colleague walked into my office and as we were chatting he started telling me about his struggles with infertility. See, he is above 41, and so is his wife, and he told me of the pain they have been through in an effort to have a baby, and 4 IVFs later they rest trusting in God for a miracle. We discussed other options to starting a family and the cultural challenges associated with them. As he sat there detailing what they have been through, I could see and ‘touch’ the pain he is going through. It broke my heart, and at the back of my mind I could see my husband. What we are going through hurts, but my husband always tries to be strong for me. Through my colleague I could just see the pain and disappointment he goes through all the time. You see, the danger with IF is that it is not so easy to discuss or tell people, it is one of those ‘silent killers’. Although he shared, I just did not feel comfortable to share with him though I hinted that we have been trying for a while and he gave me contact details for another FS to consult. I kept on uhm..ing, but I’m sure he could read between the lines that I know too much about the struggle of IF.  Another female colleague has also subtly confided in me and I still could not bring myself to open up to her. With her I just could not trust that she would keep it between us. It is not so easy to open up to people. Often people just ‘pity’ you, and pity is not what I need. I have added my 2 colleagues to my prayers, and believe they will get their breakthrough.

On a similar note, DH works with this lady who has struggled with IF, and in July she got pregnant. She is 37 and had been trying for several years. Although he also never confided in her, she did confide in him. In July we went on a weekend away and I remember us discussing the challenge we were facing, and him mentioning that his colleague is in the same boat. When we came back on Monday, he called me telling me that ‘the colleague’ is 5 weeks pregnant. She just could not wait to tell him. I received the news with both happiness and jealousy, and I could hear that he was feeling the same. Happy that she has ‘crossed over’ and there is hope that we will too since this was a surprise BFP, but the green monster was lingering because it’s not us. I always pray not to be jealousy, but sometimes it sneaks upon you when you least expect. She is now showing, and I can tell that it breaks my DH’s heart into pieces as he has to listen to her sharing every twinge she experiences. Yes I fully understand that she doesn’t know what he/we are going through therefore might not be aware of the pain this is causing because if she knew she would remember how it’s been for her and take it a notch down. I also always try to understand that it’s not anyone’s fault that we are where we are (except the Devil), therefore I should not take away other people’s joy about their pregnancies or children. I pray for DH every day to not experience feelings of envy and 15 “Rejoice with those who rejoice”, Romans 12 v 15.

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It is Done!

In John 16:33 (Amp) Jesus says “33 I have told you these things, so that in Me you may have [perfect] peace and confidence. In the world you have tribulation and trials and distress and frustration; but be of good cheer [take courage; be confident, certain, undaunted]! For I have overcome the world. [I have deprived it of power to harm you and have conquered it for you.]

Today I take refuge  in knowing that Jesus has ALREADY provided the victory.

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Believe and Receive

Its been a while since I last updated this blog, mostly because I haven’t felt like it. Not much has happened, just been focusing on my studies which are hectic. Just felt like updating with what God’s will is about having children, as my only hope is a miracle to naturally conceive. I am standing on his word, and believing he has already blessed us with children, we just need to receive them in the physical. Some days are easy, some are not.

Creflo Dollar

Did you know that everything God has promised in His Word has already been done? The only thing we have to do is believe and receive what rightfully belongs to us by faith. People of faith always have a good report because they are constantly walking by what the Word says and not by what their five physical senses are telling them. To live the life of faith means to live in full assurance of the finished work of Christ.

There are three ingredients of faith: belief, trust, and confidence. Mark 11:24 says, “Therefore I say unto you, What things soever ye desire, when ye pray, believe that ye receive them, and ye shall have them.” Anything that can be found in the Word has already been granted to you; however, you must believe that you will get it. You can’t say you are believing something and you are not trusting. Trust is maintaining a committed stance on what God has said. When you trust in something, you have full confidence in it.

A great illustration of confidence that is born out of trust is to think about when you sit in a chair. You trust that a chair is going to be able to hold your weight, and, therefore, you are confident that if you sit in it you will be secure. Most people have no questions when it comes to believing in a chair’s ability to support them. However, when it comes to God and the things He has promised us, people tend to lack absolute confidence. The way to build it up is to meditate on the Word of God and think about all the things He has already done. Has He ever let you down or failed to come through for you? Think about the many situations you have been in where God showed Himself strong on your behalf. You can trust in Him as your source of all things.

Laying hold of the promises of God means adopting an ownership mentality. This is not a mentality that is waiting for God to do something, but is one that knows what already belongs to you. The person with an ownership mentality says, “I OWN healing, deliverance, abundance, and prosperity. These things are mine!” We actually get the promises to manifest in this physical realm by releasing our faith in the grace of God that is available to bring them out of the spiritual realm and into the natural. Ephesians 2:8 says, “For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God.” It is through God’s grace that each of the promises are at your disposal.

It’s hard to have faith when you don’t have understanding of the Word of God, which is why it is important to attend a church that is actually teaching you how to live by faith. Traditional, religious mind-sets convince you that you have to try to get God to do something, but the truth is, He has already done it. Instead of praying to God to heal you, declare and admit that healing exists inside of you right now. Healing isn’t being made in some healing factory; it is already in existence! Declare that you have faith in the grace of God versus faith in your own ability to get God to move.

No matter what you are going through, or what your five physical senses are telling you, don’t allow your life to be led by your sensory mechanisms. Facts can change on a daily basis, but the truth of God’s Word never changes. It has the power to change and rearrange the facts. All God is looking for is someone who will believe and receive what He has already done.

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Close that door…

This is the loudest thought as I try to process what just happened. ER was on Friday 15/06/2012 around 09h30, and we only got 1 egg. Disappointing as it was, we prayed that the 1 fertilizes. Saturday came and went, no call from the clinic. From my experience, I knew that the clinic will most probably call on Sunday afternoon so that we can do a 3dt on Monday. On Sunday I woke up earlier than usual and just could not sleep. Fantasies of what is lying ahead played in my mind, and my emotions were on a roller coaster, one moment I was excited of what will be, and the next I would feel sick in my stomach. On Saturday my phone started acting up, it just would not show anything on the screen; I was quite happy with that thinking thus just great! I won’t be able to see the clinic number when they call. Well, it wasn’t to be; at 09h45 my phone rang, and there it was… the clinic… Of all the calls that came through and did not show on the screen, this one had to show!!! I said a prayer and felt this calm in me, but the moment the lady spoke and mentioned that the quality of the egg was poor in that tone of voice, I just knew what was coming. “The egg did not fertilize, therefore there is nothing to put back”, those were her exact words. I AM HEARTBROKEN. I cried and prayed to God to give me the strength to deal with this.

DH had gone to church, so I called several times without an answer and this made it worse. I then bbm’ed him, and he called back after about 20 min. I couldn’t even tell him what was wrong, but I think he just knew. He came an hour and half later, and by then I started feeling bad for having called him out of church. I could just see the Heartbreak in his eyes, though he tries to be strong for me. The one thing that he said and it stuck with me is that “We should just continue to pray, believe and it will happen naturally”. For several months I have been thinking of letting go of this IVF process, and trust that it will surely happen naturally. I have been fighting this thought and praying for guidance. As I write, I still am pondering on the thought. I don’t understand what exactly is holding me back, maybe its UNBELIEF, and I continue to pray that God helps me to overcome any UNBELIEF and guide me to make the right decision.  You see, I don’t want to base the decision on my recent failure, because if so, I fear I may regress. Logically, here are some reasons why that door SHOULD BE CLOSED:

  • 6 x IVFs later, NO success
  • Poor stimulation response due to Low Ovarian Reserve
  • Financially draining
  • Emotionally taxing
  • Faith challenging

And these are the logical reasons it SHOULD NOT BE CLOSED:

  • Gives Hope that one cycle (1 embryo) could put an end to this suffering
  • Low Ovarian Reserve – rather now than later when all dries/is dried up
  • Age- am not getting any younger, coupled with Low Ovarian Reserve, it’s a double whammy.
  • History- sexually active for 17 years, never used any birth control; 10 years of actively trying to conceive, with only 2 cycles where I thought I might have been pregnant naturally (chemical pregnancies) – 1 at 20 when AF was late by 4 days, i.e. from 26 days to 30 days(AF is never that late) and 1 at 28 when AF was late again by 4 days, but I was so unaware of what was happening. Thinking back, I experienced some pregnancy symptoms (frequent urge to urinate, sore boobs, thirst, sharp sense of smell etc.) and was quite sick and being unaware of what might be happening I went to my GP who did a POAS and had a faint second line. But on that day, AF arrived.
  • Financial ability

Even with these reasons laid down, the question remains; SHOULD WE CLOSE THAT DOOR?

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Ovidrel Mishap

I took my last Cetrotide just after 18h00, then figured I must set the alarm clock for 23h30. Silly me I mistakenly set it at 11h30, and went to bed around 22h00 knowing it should wake me up. So I slept, slept and slept; only to wake up at 01h55. I jumped out of bed and checked my clock. “Damn!!!, 01h55”. I panicked and was so confused, woke DH up and screamed at him for not waking me up. Poor DH!  Only at 02h00, did I administer my Ovidrel.

I am not very worried because even the nurse at the clinic moved the time from 23h00 to 23h30, and I had also considered only doing it at 00h00. Besides, there really is nothing I can do about it now, just glad I didn’t only wake up in the morning because I normally  sleep through the night. I couldn’t sleep after that, so I am so tired, can hardly keep my eyes open. To make matters worse, I had to go for some job assessment this morning for 3 hours. Today is my injection free day. Yepeeeeeee…..

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