Ready, Set, Go!

I went to fetch my meds yesterday, and just being in that clinic made me ‘sick’. Eachtime I have been there I have believed it’s the last time. I pray this time around will be the last, last time. “God please make this the last time by making us pregnant in this cycle”. The sister at the clinic was so nice to me, she even said she prays this time around we get pregnant. It’s in the way she said it and I greatly appreciate that.  

I am starting on the Short Flair Protocol ( Lucrin, Fostimon, Menonys, Merticotine, Citrotide,  Norditropin , and a whole lot other meds). Most of these are in high doses, the sister even said they are throwing in anything possible. That just breaks my heart, but I still hope and pray it works. I had my 1^st shot of Norditropin yesterday and this time around I have to buy 3 of the 1.5ml, so the cost is quite substantial and we hadn’t budgeted for this. AF started today, therefore I will be starting my stims tomorrow 18h00.

God Give me Faith

I need you to soften my heart, to break me apart

I need you to open my eyes, to see that You’re shaping my life

All I am, I surrender

Give me faith to trust what you say // That you’re good and your love is great// I’m broken inside, I give you my life

I need you to soften my heart, to break me apart

I need you to pierce through the dark and cleanse every part of me

All I am, I surrender

Give me faith to trust what you say // That you’re good and your love is great// I’m broken inside, I give you my life

I may be weak. Your Spirit’s strong in me

My flesh may fail. My God you never will

Too Scared to Hope!

Sad, but true, thus the state I am in.  As per my previous post, the thought of a ‘baby’ always looms. I wrote some exams last week, and that means I have a study break for the next 2 months, which sounded like an excellent opportunity to ‘get back on the horse again’. So, we had a chat with hubby, and he was quite happy that we should utilize this time for IVF # 6 (even had to go back to my records coz I can’t keep count anymore, ‘selective’ memory).

When I called to make an appointment with FS, the earliest date I could get was after AF has started, so I’ve figured I will just go ahead and get the meds, FS will see us during the process. We will be doing the same protocol as in November 2011, with only the inclusion of Norditropin. I called the sisters today to arrange that they prepare my meds. It seems the ball is rolling again, and since the time we decided to go ahead with this, I am too scared to hope.

My Stance!

Its been a while. I’ve kept very busy with my studies. Oh, its hectic. I enrolled for some part time studies, and this has kept me extremely busy as the programme is ‘packed’. Though no matter how occupied I am, there is that one thing at the back of my mind, ‘baby’. 

After the last ‘trial’, we went for the WTF meeting on the 7^th, where FS just had nothing to say, except we must try again. Logical as it seems, the problem becomes the amount of money one spends each round, and the emotional turmoil that comes with it. So, after the meeting, we didn’t talk much about it with DH, and have continued like nothing happened. Denial, yes it is, but I’m sure one day we will get there. I am angry at the devil, and every day I am commanding my children’s release in Jesus’ name. For nothing is impossible with God, the devil might have stolen, killed and destroyed my little ones in the past, but I stand FIRM on God’s word and will not be lied to again… for all is well with Jesus. I continue to believe and trust that God will deliver us.

 

Over, Before it even Began!

ER was on Thursday the 1st of March. It was the usual wooziness, followed by days of stabbing gas pains and feeling awful most of the time. We got 3 eggs. I was calm for most of the time, and did not think much about fertilization. I just prayed for 100% fertilization. On Saturday at 12h07, my phone rang,  when I checked the number, it was the clinic. My heart started pounding, all the calm was out of the window. I didn’t expect them to call ‘so soon’, I expected the call on Sunday… oh,I just don’t know what I expected. The embryologist told me that the eggs were still immature, therefore they will not be fertlising as they have given them enough time to mature, but they haven’t. I felt like someone had driven a dagga into my heart. After dropping the call, something in me still could not believe what she had just said, I refused to believe that report. I called her back, and asked her to go ahead and fertilise them, even though ‘scientifically’ there is no chance. I told her I believe in miracles and I am trusting God for a miracle. She grumblingly agreed and promised to call me on Sunday.

On Sunday she called at 11h28 and told me that none had fertilized. That was it… the end.

CD13

I went for another scan,  we have 2 follies on the left measuring 18mm, 1 on right at 14mm and my lining is 13mm. I also then had my last menopur at the clinic and will be taking 0.25mg citrotide at 19h00 and Ovidrel at 23h00. ER will be on Thursday, Oh! how I dread the awful sickness after sedation wears off.  We are almost half way, and am looking forward to the next half which is the most difficult part of the cycle. Firstly, its waiting to know how many eggs one gets, then how many fertilize, quality of embryos, then the final straw of the 2ww. Oh, God give me the strength!

Emotional Meltdown

I can’t keep it together anymore. Its too much. I feel neglected by DH, or let me put it like this, I feel so alone.  I just called DH and he tells me he will not be home early today because he has to go to church (some course that he is going through) and this just deflated the balloon. He has been taking this course for the month, so most of the times he comes home very late.  I feel so overwhelmed having to juggle a lot of things; On the work front I have been out of office for the most part of the week in negotiations, meetings and training, and trying to catch up is becoming a challenge. I still have to deal with getting time off to go for the scans, which isn’t easy because I have been taking a lot of time off during the previous cycle of IVF, and I know ‘eyes are on me’.  Although my superior is understanding, and I thank God for that, I also know when it’s becoming too much, and would not sit well with me, hence the guilt conscience.

 
Secondly, I have also enrolled to study this year, and had our first group meeting last Friday, and realized how much workload lies ahead and currently have to do some pre-reading of more than 7 books in prep for our next meeting which is tomorrow.  

Thirdly, I mentioned yesterday that DH was going through some challenges at work, and that is causing some anxiety, although this seems to have been resolved positively, and I am thankful to the Almighty because things were not looking too good, it took its toll on me.  

I have also been feeling that my spiritual wellbeing is under attack and have to fight hard to keep the faith, and this is also taking its toll. So overall, I am not in a good space right now, and DH’s unavailability just makes it worse, as I feel I don’t have anyone to talk to, or for him to just ‘walk’ with me on this path. I also feel that he is not as invested in this cycle as he has been previously, I just don’ know, maybe he just being cautious and protecting his heart.  Thus something we need to talk about.

Right now, I am at a ‘Pity Party’… and let me be.